God's Call Hotline

A Facebook status by one of our Calvary folks today reminded me of this silly piece I wrote when I was in seminary (when talk of God's call and finding one's purpose was at a premium). So for your amusement...

-----------------
GOD'S CALL HOTLINE

Are you tired of God calling you only to put you on hold? Try our new, satisfaction-guaranteed hotline to the big guy (also known as the big gal at Duke Divinity School)...

Dial 1-800-4CLARITY Today!

Enjoy our easy menu options!

Press:

1—If you used to think you knew what God called you to but have lately been feeling led to try out for American Idol

2—If you’re still trying to discern whether you are indeed call to academia or if your call is rather to Acadia.

3-If you’re open to God’s guidance, but only for the next eight minutes.

4—If you feel your grades may affect your ability to fulfill your call and would like a curse put upon a preceptor or professor. **Note: Callers choosing this option may have to stay on hold until graduation.

5—If you’re willing to fulfill God’s call but would like some concessions made.

6—If you would like to be mailed a call-deferral form. Please have your current mailing address and credit card available.

7—If you would like to apply for your pre-approved spiritual account today!

8—If you would like to speak to your heavenly vocational director. ***Special note to Methodist callers: you will only be able to speak with your director if such contact has been previously-approved by your District Committee on Ordained Ministry.

9—If you would like to auction your call on our new hisway server or you would like to bid on someone else’s call.

0—If you are confused by these options, generally confused in life, and would like to speak to Saint Peter. Calls will be answered in the order in which hey are received. Peter is currently working his way through the eleventh century.