So after my two-day exposition on sin and narcissism, I find myself right smack in the midst of my own narcissistic line of thought...or rather, frustration. Looking back upon the year that is nearly past (as I write it is just after 5 pm East Coast time) I am struck by how this year (as perhaps every year) has been a lesson in things I cannot control. And how sometimes that is good (things turned out better than I could imagine) or bad (my definition, of course, is things didn't turn out as I would have liked).
2009 was the year I left my first appointment. It's a right of passage, for sure, for all pastors. Your first appointment is inevitably, no matter how old or mature (or not) you may be, a time of steep learning curves, gaining your own pastoral identity, and battling demons--your own and others'. For me, 2009 was especially roller-coaster-ish because low numbers of retirements meant little chance for reappointment, and even less chance that a new appointment would be any sort of improvement. I had already felt the call to move on, but I knew that only means so much in a year when, as my DS often suggested, a lot of people felt called to move, but most would not be able to.
Even people close to me suggested this was a bad year to ask for a move (an act itself that took a great deal of tradition to overcome in my own mind). In such a year, a move might not bring a better situation, and in fact, chances were good a move would bring a worse situation. But I had done what I could at that appointment, and the next things that needed to happen at my last appointment would not happen--at least as well--if I stayed. For many reasons. Some of them my own doing, many not.
Saying goodbye is never easy though, and how do you convince people you didn't ask to move so you could leave them but so you and they could both move on and grow? We all processed this differently, and all I can say for myself is that I am more sure now than ever that this was the best decision for all of us.
But all that said, it was (of course) the first week I had accepted I was not going to move that I finally got the call of a new appointment offered to serve as associate to Calvary United Methodist Church in Frederick. The cabinet's concerns about whether it was too close to my last appointment and whether I would accept an associate position (Ken is perhaps one of the best senior pastors an upstart, stubborn gal like myself could hope for--more gracious than I imagine most would be) settled, and a few SPRC meetings later (that's the short story...it was a much longer story on the leaving-end), I buckled down to prepare for the transition. Walking into an associate position is a relatively simple matter, so other than scoping out my new (first) office and filling out some paperwork, I filled my days with pulling together all I could for the new pastor coming to fill the slot that would no longer be "my" appointment but "my old" appointment.
It took me a month or two at Calvary to fully transition into talking about "our church" instead of "your church." It's not easy to change those things overnight.
2009 was the year my husband and I really settled into married life. It was when we got to start together as husband and wife at a new church, meeting people not as that guy they'd met before we married and come to know, but someone people never knew me without. It was the year we traveled together to California (a first look at the Pacific for both of us, and a trip that included a rain-soaked trek from the docks of San Francisco across the Golden Gate Bridge to the tiny town of Sausalito (we decided a ferry back was better than the wet hiked back!). That same trip we explored Napa, and I got to be "and this is my wife..." as we attended the national gathering of United Methodist camp leaders. 2009 we traveled to the beach together for the first time on vacation, and we visited Minnesota, my first visit to where Chris grew up. It was a busy year!
Beginning July 1, 2009 was a year of firsts. And it still is. Getting to now a new church is always different, and always challenging. But it has also been a really exciting time. I have found myself serving amongst people who jump at any chance to serve, and who try really hard to make every feel welcome not just as part of the community but also in leadership. Chris and I find ourselves in a church family where we are looking forward to raising a family, and hope to see many new years with.
Looking back at 2009 makes me tired! And yet as I sit here on the last evening of this year, I am filled with energy and excitement, and can't wait to see what 2010 will bring. Even the stuff I cannot control. Well, perhaps especially the stuff I cannot control. God is pretty awesome, after all.
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