On Being an Associate Pastor

The other day, one of our conference staff passed along this article about associate pastors “strengthening” senior pastors, and asked me and several other associates to comment. Seems that all of us found it lacking—as I pointed out in my reply to him, if you have a good relationship with your senior pastor, it was pointless, and if you actually need help building that relationship and understanding that role, the article doesn’t actually tell you HOW to go about doing it. He then asked if any of us had written an article—I’m not nearly important enough to have stuff published, but I, like so many others in the democratic chaos of the internet, have a blog, so I figured, why not?

I have not always been an associate pastor. In fact, as I was preparing to graduate from seminary, I desperately did not want to be one. Mostly, I wanted to preach weekly (a task which, ironically enough I now do, since we have a Sunday evening service—which means about once a month I preach two sermons—at three services—on a Sunday). But I was also haunted, I must admit, by the probably astute remark of one of my seminary professors, himself a retired, acclaimed pastor. He told me there probably weren’t many pastors who would be able to have me as an associate. I think that was something along the lines of when my dad told me it would take a “special” (said with a twist of tone!) guy to be my husband. Both were probably correct, and I have been blessed to have found both such unique characters!

As I’ll mention later, I don’t think it’s a huge surprise they are both similar to each other in some key ways.

I by no means have extensive experience as an associate, and I can’t tell you how crazy fortunate I am to be in the position I am. As it happened, after a four year appointment out of seminary as the lead pastor on a small two point charge, I was appointed as the associate in the closest large town, with a senior pastor who had happened to me my supervising pastor during my commissioning years (which had ended just one year prior). I love to tell the story of how my senior pastor, Ken, didn’t recognize my name when he got the call about his new associate! He swore he didn’t know who they meant, despite the conference staff person’s insistence he did! Ken had attended my wedding—but still had me in mind by my maiden name!

I walked into a situation where the previous associate had left midway through the appointment year, and things had been pretty harried for a while as Ken and the staff held things together for half a year till I was appointed—at a church that worships over 360+ on average, not having an associate is pretty challenging.

All that said, and I do believe when Ken says he was happy to hear I was coming, but no senior-associate relationship reaches its greatest depth immediately. I may have been the associate, but it takes time for people to get to know you—and for you to get to know them.

Here’s how I navigated that first stage as an associate:

1. I kept it clear in my mind that my job was for sure to support the congregation and be its pastor in the fullest sense, but that the way I was to do that was by following Ken’s lead and making him look good. I am absolutely convinced this is key. I’ve had to learn how to do this—because it sometimes means holding my tongue in meetings—and though I haven’t always done that perfectly, I’ve tried to get better and better. That doesn’t mean I don’t speak up, but I try not to do so unless I’ve made my views clear to Ken first, and after some folks pointed out that even then I was perhaps jumping in too quick, I have tried to be more cautious. Over time, Ken saw this and I think it made it easier for him to be willing to hear my views and opinions—he often lets me just vent or lay into some long (you can’t believe that I would be long, right?) explanation.
2. Reconcile myself to the fact that I don’t make the final decision on many things. And make peace with that. If I were not able to do that, there’s no way I could survive let along thrive as an associate. What helps me is that I really respect my senior pastor, though it does mean sometimes I really have to ask for more explanation from him about why. Sometimes I still don’t agree, but I’ve come to know how he approaches things, and learned to function within that system, and even listen closely to not only understand his decision, but also what other information he wants to make a different decision. For example, Ken has a ton on his plate. If I walk in with some off the wall idea, he’s often willing to consider it, but usually asks for more information and specifics. I’ve learned to come with more details than I might otherwise have had.
3. Communicate often and well. One of the reasons I still sometimes come to Ken with ideas early on is to make sure I’m heading in a direction he’s okay with. Neither he nor I have the time to start over on a complicated project. For example, I’m currently working on a new program, the Calvary Leadership Academy, which is a one day training for our congregation. At least weekly, I’ve given him an update on where it is—both to update him but also make sure he’s okay with where things are. By doing that (rather than get it all set then come to him) I’ve saved a lot of backtracking and also assured that the event has him definite stamp on it without it adding to his plate. I try to always take the initiative to communicate with Ken, and we both try to do this in formal and informal ways. I can’t remember the last time Ken had to call me to his office to ask about something—I try to check in several times a week, if not daily.
4.  Never be the last to know. It’s NEVER good for your supervisor to be caught by surprise. I can’t always anticipate when there’s an issue, or when someone might be upset at me, but insofar as I can, I want to be the one Ken hears from first.
5. Don’t try to change your senior pastor—who do you think you are? Learn to work with it. Ken has been in ministry longer than I’ve been alive. Don’t tell him I said that—but do keep in mind that except in very rare cases, your senior pastor does actually have more experience than you. That doesn’t mean they’re always right, or that there aren’t issues that are affecting their ministry. But DO NOT behave in a way you wouldn’t want your future associate to. They get to preach more? Of course. If you were senior, wouldn’t you? I have to admit I don’t really GET the idea of co-pastoring. I’ve been in different leadership roles too much to have romantic ideas of that working in most settings. I think someone needs to hold the reins. And part of your job is working in that setting in an appropriate way while staying true to yourself. For example, one of the challenges we have at Calvary is that with so many people, it’s tough to keep track of pastoral care issues, to keep us all updated. A number of months ago, Ken, Harry (our visitation pastor) and myself started using a confidential online system. We don’t use it exhaustively, and at any point, each of us likely has issues we haven’t even posted there, but it does allow for greater communication and coordination. It’s not perfect, but it’s helping. It was much easier to foster communication with this tool (keeping Ken up to date and on board about trying it) than to throw a fit about not being able to answer questions some folks would ask me about a pastoral care issue I wasn’t involved in, or just generally knowing how I could help.
6.  Expect to change. Don’t expect your senior pastor to. Personally, I have been able to have a great deal of impact on the very basic processes at Calvary, though not at all on others. That’s part of being an associate—you don’t see the same picture your senior does, and honestly, it would be a waste of time if an associate did all the same things as their senior (in that case, I would say the senior needs a personal assistant, not an associate pastor). Yes, there have been times Ken has changed his mind or headed in a direction I suggested, but only because (I believe) I took time to (1) be respectful and honest, (2) earnestly seek the best, not just be engaged in politics—most senior pastors have been around long enough to recognize, I believe, when you’re trying to play them, (3) learn how he thinks and have the information at hand that he’s going to want to see to make a decision, which may be more or less than I might first think of, and (4) build a track record for both success and being a team player.
7. Put up or shut up. Why should your senior pastor blindly trust you to try new or big things without having seen you succeed at those. Or to fail at them but evidence learning from them. Just like the parable of the talents, take good care of whatever you’re given at first, and I believe your areas of involvement and influence will expand.
8. Actually try to anticipate what he'll need and do actually and tangibly try to make his life--in terms of ministry--easier. It's gonna fall on him to make sure the linens are correct for a service or that things are laid out for the Ash Wednesday service? Why not try to at least start the task? Your big task is gathering info for a publication and he's been dealing with lawyers and finance people all day? Ask what you can take off his plate. In other words, actually care about his work, as much as you want him to care about yours.

These are just some of the key principles that got me started, and all remain vital today. I still work at probably all of them, though to differing degrees.

That said, I have only ever been the associate for one pastor, and I really cannot imagine a better relationship than we’ve had. Would I do some things differently—yes, probably very much so. But other things, I would, I hope, do quite similarly—and a number of these include issues that I’d have looked at differently when I was first starting out. Sometimes you can be surprised how right an idea is that you at first think is odd.

Another thing that’s helped me is that Ken is very respectful to me. We have, I think, a very good relationship, but I think it’s probably more formal than some senior/associate pastors. Ken and I don’t really socialize (owing partly to our personalities and partly to both our spouses being busy and us using our down time for time with their and other family). We get along quite well (probably because he sits through my ramblings more than a normal person ever should) and I can only speak for myself, but I quite enjoy catching up with him. And I feel safe being honest with him, I don’t fear he’ll try to “get back” at me for expressing my opinion, and most of all, my experience is if he has an issue or concern with my behavior or performance, he’ll tell me. It’s nice not to live paranoid.

The last thing I wanted to say (I think I could write a book) about what works for me as an associate, is that Ken is similar in some key ways to my husband—whose patterns and behaviors I had already learned before working with Ken. I think this same pattern could work well in partnering seniors and associates, though I think it would require that the relationship with spouse is healthy, and I also don’t know how gender differences would impact it. Two key areas they are similar (other than, you know, the odd talent they have for abiding me!) is their willingness and desire to hope for the best in people and wanting more concrete info than me before making big decisions. Both of these areas are relative, and related to my tendency to be led more by instincts (which can get me to jump the gun, though as my husband will attest, I’m usually right). I have learned, though, that sometimes I can still be guided by instincts but be more cautious and deliberate in ACTING upon those instincts. I can’t tell you how important that shift is!

I think that the same things I have tried as an associate would be helpful to anyone stepping into that position, but I also recognize it is a very different situation if the associate and senior pastor just don’t vibe. I think that’s a different thing that it taking time to settle in—but just like other relationships, sometimes two otherwise good people just shouldn’t be together. I think being an associate pastor has been one of the best environments I could have had to grow quite quickly early in my career, but it’s not for everyone. There are some really great pastors who should never be associates. And some really great pastors who should never have an associate. Arrogance is not helpful for either position, though I think easier to abide in a senior pastor—and absolutely unacceptable in an associate. Being an associate is a big effort in getting over yourself—though to that end, it’s a good part of your discipleship. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if we all learned to be under someone else’s guidance a bit more—especially when it isn’t comfortable or easy.

I hope I’ve communicated how fortunate my associate position is. It is a very good fit for me. But I also don’t want you to think it has come without difficultly. There have been days (these were more common early on as I was learning about how to work well with Ken and to anticipate things better) when I came home frustrated. Very frustrated. Days when the role of associate has been hard.  On those days, I relied upon my husband (NOT other staff or people in the church) to relieve my stress and vent to, then the next day I got back at it. What has made this position a blessing is that those times have almost never last more than a day, and they have often ended up being opportunities for me to learn more about myself, learn from Ken’s experience and guidance, and times for God to show me something new.

I am a convert. I used to think being an associate would be a rather depressing, difficult undertaking. I have found it to be quite the opposite. I have learned more than I can express as an associate pastor, and for all the differences between Ken and me and how we do and would approach things, it is a blessing that where he reflects on some of his experiences as an associate as times he learned what NOT to do as a senior pastor, in terms of our senior-associate relationship, I can only hope I might one day be as gracious, supportive and mentoring as a senior pastor.