Reflecting

Whoa. So it's been a super long time since I've blogged. Yikes!

I remember in college, as a history major at Gettysburg College, we often used primary sources for our papers (the way real historians do, and as I later learned, not how everyone--sadly--does history). At any rate, for one project, we looked at civilian life in the town during the Battle of Gettysburg. One can only imagine how well researched this topic is by GC students alone!

We found one woman (I cannot now remember her name) who wrote quite a lot before and after the battle, but not during. And actually, even her writings afterward don't shed the glaring light on that time as we'd hoped. Of course this led first to a discussion in the class about how disconnected she was. Our professor countered with the view that I like to hold (at any rate I like it better): this was so real an experience. During it, who could blame her for not having time to write (we'd learned from other sources that this same young woman had helped with the medical care which filled the town and nearly all its buildings). And after that (and it was a long while before anything like normalcy returned) how exactly does one describe that experience, where would one start.

At any rate, then, I hope my lapse in writing here does not in any way signal any lack of interest in the happens of the world, community, church or my own life in between. In fact, a TON has happened since my last post, and I can only hope to be more regular in my postings from now on (at least until my next regrettable lapse).

I've been reading Stanley Hauerwas' autobiography Hannah's Child lately, thanks to the ease of the Kindle app on my iPhone (I'd rather read a few pages than play a silly game--most of the time at least). I have really enjoyed reading my former professor's reflections, and have certainly learned a lot--and remembered how much I missed the theological discussions of my seminary days. But also powerful to me has been how Hauerwas tells his story--as others have noted of the book, he has filled it with references to people...people he worked with, knew, read, etc. He certainly sees himself as the product not only of his experiences, but also his acquaintances (though even such a note sells his theological views on the matter short). At any rate, it has made me reflect upon the people in my life and how they have shaped me. In fact, Hauerwas' story is also a part of mine--so that when he tells of particular views he developed in interaction with a particular person, I recall how my views on that were shaped by Hauerwas, and I thus learn both of us were shaped by this other person, on and on. I will never forget the first day of our intro to Christian ethics class when Dr. Hauerwas explained that he was not going to endeavor to help us to think for ourselves--it was his class and his goal was to have us think like him. I suspect i have fallen somewhere in between.

Hauerwas' explanation of his own family (his former wife's mental illness was nothing of a secret around the Div School though I knew none of the details till reading Hannah's Child) not only resonated with some similar experiences (similar in very vague and different ways albeit) in my own life, but his relationship with his son Adam also made we really wonder for the first time about my own child (hopefully children) as Chris and I anticipate our first child's birth in the latter half of November. I once had a counselor tell me (God bless colleges that provide free counseling to their students) that sometimes all parents can do is do their best and start saving money early for their children's future psychiatric care. That sounded less flippant, yet still humorous in context, but as a soon-to-be parent, I suppose it bear (probably constant) attention...how do our choices and lives affect our children?

For me, one of the things I think about is the way my and my husband's vocations will impact our children. It is perhaps unfair to say that a pastor or camp director's children are more impacted by their parents jobs (I can imagine any person's job having a significant impact on their children depending on how they handle it) but there is something to be said for the sheer physical presence a child of such a parent (let alone one of each) has in their parent's "work" world. I don't think such a situation is necessarily traumatizing (if I did I wouldn't even venture submitting a child to such) but I do know it can be done terribly wrong, which gives me the hope it can also be done quite right (or at least as well as possible).

I suspect one of the key factors is the extent to which a child feels there are expectations placed upon them solely because of a parent's job. And further, the extent to which they feel their lives are in some way a possession of the community. Now, as a Christian, I cannot help but hold that we are not our own people, and we are only most truly living as disciples when living in a community to whom we are accountable. But for many PKs (pastor's kids, and I suspect often true for camp director's kids) the healthy aspect of this gets swallowed up when parents simply do not have good boundaries for their own lives. Of course, discerning good boundaries is precisely the difficulty, but for many, simply asserting that there should be some boundaries is probably a good place to start.

Further, in an attempt, I suspect, to mitigate the negative aspects of poor boundaries and having people too involved in a child's life, some pastors and camp directors seem to deem their work setting as the appropriate place for their child to learn basic manners. As if it is routinely the altar committee's job to keep one's child from running amuck, or the Bible study group's job to simply ignore the child you dragged along. We all need grace, and parents need support, but church or camp cannot and should not replace a parent's responsibility to properly raise one's children. There's something to the Apostle Paul's guidance to Timothy (1 Timothy 3:12) about church leaders managing their children well. Pastors don't have perfect kids (what does perfect mean anyway?), and shouldn't be expected to, but they ought to be able to "manage them" well. At least well enough so that they are not a burden to others. No one likes a bratty kid, and when it's the pastor's kid, it becomes more difficult for people to deal with. I know a lot of kids who are well behaved (all kids are, well kids, but there's a difference)...and some of these are even PKs, so I believe there is hope.

All this said, I'm aware that it's one thing to say it, and other to do it. It's also easy as a parent who is a pastor or camp director (and I suspect this is the root of most problems in such families) to lay aside family time and priorities in favor of the many and limitless good things to be done. A pastor who wants to find a way to fill his time will have no trouble doing so. And many a clergy family has died a slow and painful death as their relationships have fallen prey to others' needs. I'm not advocating for self-indulgence (that is, after all, sin) and I do think it's quite important for children to learn that there are a lot of people out there and the world doesn't revolve around themselves. But there's a point where this good lesson becomes a punishment. And that is the point where these vocations of ours can become dangerous.

So, as we prepare for a child, Chris and I continue to discern how we are called to find a healthy balance in our family. We are helped along because we have done this all along--talked and prayed about how to balance our relationship and our callings, and how to keep all our relationships healthy. I was blessed by parents, who for whatever other challenges we faced as a family, I found them to be very interested in letting each of us be ourselves, and not simply an extension of my father's ministerial office. I was not raised to feel I was simply the possession of the church, and thus it was meaningful for me to give my life over to the church's service--it was indeed a choice and not an inevitability. That is the same choice I want our children to have.

So we'll see...just as I shall continue to see the many ways the people in my life shape me, and no doubt, the ways those same people and others shape my children's lives...