Stamps: Who Knew?

In the midst of the passing of my father last month, we received so many gestures and glimpse of graciousness and generosity. Friends, family, church members, colleagues, etc. who travelled, some great distances, to be with us at the visitation and/or service. Generous gifts in Dad's memory to the ASP work of Mill Creek Parish. Food, flowers, etc. And cards--oh the cards! Each was such a loving reminder of all whose lives Dad touched, but also of the love and support we have as well.

One of the more random things I received, tucked in a card from someone whose paths I've crossed in conference work, was a sheet of stamps. Forever stamps, to be exact. I was very grateful, and knew they would be used, but I'd never heard of sending someone stamps before. But you know what, I'm now convinced this is a brilliant idea, probably for lots of situations, but esp. for someone who has experienced a loss.

Here's the thing. I didn't feel up to doing thank you notes at first. There was so much going on, and to be honest, once the busy-ness of the service passed, I was worn out and needed a break. I knew I needed to get to the notes, but I just just couldn't make myself sit down and do it. Then today, I finally got the cards I needed and decided to tackle the list--this also included cards I needed to send for other reasons as well. 

And you know what? Those stamps came in so handy. One less things to have to track down, pick up, etc. to finish the task. A small thing, but such a thoughtful one.

So yeah. Stamps. Who knew? 

I may start sending some myself though. What a cool idea.

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman...

Between my own experiences and hearing of the experiences of other moms due this month, it strikes me that perhaps a reminder of pregnancy-etiquette might be helpful. To be specific, well-meaning people tend to find it fun or appropriate to say things that are either NOT appropriate, or at the very least, likely to make a pregnant woman (esp. one very pregnant) a bit bitter towards you. It should go without saying that if you shouldn't say these to a woman you KNOW to be pregnant, you certainly should say these to someone you just suspect to be pregnant. So, basically DON'T SAY THESE THINGS EVER.

BTW--I haven't personally gotten all these, but from what I've heard these are common enough that a number of women seem to be getting them from people close to them or just acquaintances.

1. You should/will have the baby on such and such a date. Seriously? Do you know how pregnancy works? The mom doesn't get to choose. And if she has to be induced or have a scheduled c-section, it's probably not something being done to suit your schedule, and likely something she's stressed out about. Either way, no doubt, esp. as her due date approaches (and passes) she's mustering all her energy to not lose her mind with impatience. Even if she manages the super-human feat of staying cool and calm, just leave her alone. Seriously. It's not cute. Or funny. If you have a guess or a preference, keep it to yourself. Chances are, she's spending most waking moments wondering if this or that is an indication of labor. Leave her the heck alone, she's got enough stress about it already.
2. Are you still pregnant? Um, yes, if I'm not holding the baby and/or you haven't heard the baby has come, yes. This relates to any pregnant woman's anxiety at the end of the pregnancy as noted above. Don't say this. You may get slapped.
3. Are you excited? How is someone supposed to answer this question? The answer is yes, right? And assuming it's no, are you really close enough to her to have that sort of a discussion. It's a stupid question.
4. You look like you're ready to pop. See #1 & 2. Also, thanks for reminding the pregnant woman about how big and uncomfortable she already knows she is. Good job with that.
5. Are you ready? See #3.
6. How dilated are you? Are you serious? Really? THIS IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. Unless you are (1) pregnant or (2) the significant other of someone who is pregnant or (3) a pregnant woman's doctor or midwife, there is NO WAY you are entitled to this information. Besides which, even knowing such a measurement would TELL YOU NOTHING about how close labor is. Nothing.. At all. A woman may choose to share this info, but please, don't EVER ask. What's more, precisely because it tells you nothing, many doctors or midwives NEVER CHECK THIS until a woman is in labor.
7. Can I be there when the baby is born? This usually comes from close family members (shame on you if you're not and you ask this) but even then, this is a rude question. If a woman wants you there, she will invite you. If she does not, then no, she doesn't want to there, and you're just putting her in an awkward position if she has trouble saying no. No, you are not wanted there. Get over it.
8. You're going to tell me as soon as you go to the hospital, right? See #7. You will be told if the couple thinks they need to. And here's the thing--some couple don't tell ANYONE until the baby is born. They want their privacy. You might not do it that way, but it's not up to you. A more appropriate question? So how will you let people know the baby is coming or has arrived? And be gracious whatever they respond. If you're close family (and only if, otherwise, you're rude and are not entitled to know anyway) and you would like to be told sooner, I guess you could ask, but really, don't be pushy. It's not your body or your baby.
9. You look huge/miserable/exhausted, etc. Don't say anything negative. I don't care if she looks like death warmed over. Zip it. Zip. It.

These are actually only a few of the ridiculous things people say or ask pregnant women. NO doubt they are all meant well, but please, banish these from your repertoire. What, then, you ask, is one TO say to someone who is pregnant, esp. very far along? The following are some suggestions, but keep in mind that all women are different, and some days anything you say may upset her. Seriously, she's got A LOT going on in her body and mind. Be nice. The key is to just say these things and not (as seems to be the temptation) follow up with one of the above statements or anything that tries to put an obligation on the pregnant woman.

1. You look wonderful, etc. Just be nice, a la Thumper's mom.
2. I'm thinking of/praying for you. But only if said nicely, not with a tone like, "Because you're going to need it..." 
3. Let me know if you need anything. Don't assume you know what would be helpful though--and be okay if she says she's fine for now. Her pregnancy and the birth of her child is not your chance to assert your won helpfulness. Follow her lead. On the other hand, while everyone else is busy saying all the above things, it's possible no one has offered a hand.
4. Do you want to go grab a coffee or lunch? Those final days of pregnancy drag on. There's a chance she won't want to do anything, but also a really good chance she'll welcome a distraction from the waiting. She may say no (and again, don't pressure her) but she may also be very, very grateful. Follow her lead--she may want to talk about the baby, but she may also desperately want to talk about ANYTHING else.
5. How are you doing? This is generally a safe question, just don't press her. If she says fine, that's good if she gives more detail, that's fine to. Again, ask, but don't pressure for more.

Mostly, I think the rule of thumb is try to think about what it must be like to wait for one of the hugest moments in your life to come when you know it will be soon but don't know exactly when. Don't make her pregnancy about you, and don't add to her stress. Be supportive but not bossy. She'll remember. you might be surprised how many of the women I talk to due around the same time I am are already building of list of people they avoid/aren't talking to/plan to keep their distance from even once the baby is born because of their rudeness during the pregnancy. Pregnant woman certainly don't have a license to be rude themselves, but it can be difficult to stay calm if you're surrounded by a bunch of people who think they're entitled to your personal health information or to direct a process that even you have no or little control over. So be nice. Before long, she'll have a newborn, and there will be a whole host of other things to avoid saying (one woman said she was asked, 4 days after her baby was born, if he was sleeping through the night!) but really, the same rules always apply.