On Being a Closeted Introvert

I’m back in the office today after two days at the BOOM provisional exam—as a BOOM member, and as things turned out, a small group leader. For two days—one 12 hour day and a solid 8 hour day the next day—I talked with people, listened, asked questions and facilitated non-stop. It is good, hard work.

It is not, however, physical work. I was sitting most of that time. It was, however, exhausting work. For me, at least.

Now, I think the work of BOOM at these exams is tiring for even the most extroverted of us. But it was a reminder for me of that part of my personality that often seems to surprise people…

I am an introvert.

Really and truly, and I have no doubts about that. My mother, meanwhile, balked when I told her the results of the Myers-Briggs that made this identification. One would certainly believe one’s own mother would know.

The thing is, though, that introversion and extroversion are not necessarily, I think, directly related to being shy or outgoing. I think I am a pretty outgoing person. However, the best definition of the difference between introversion and extroversion at their most basic level is this: extroverts draw energy from being around people; introverts drain energy being around people. This is what I identify with, and what an experience like the BOOM exams powerfully remind me that God created me to be an introvert.

It’s often interesting when people who do not know me well happen to have lunch with me after a full Sunday morning—not a working lunch (for then, I’m still “on”) but a casual one. They often find me to be different than they’d just experienced me, or even than they normally experience me. That is another time my introversion rears its head. After all the people time that my work requires (and which I happily engage in) when I am able to finish and decompress, all need (and truth be told, desire) to be social dissipates. No, I don’t (usually) become a hermit, but my otherwise gregarious personality goes quiet, my mental focus is blurred, and I become far more of an observer of the world.

I’ve long known that my energy level goes in highs and lows—I can plow ahead through the busy-est and more difficult of times, maintaining a level of activity that is pretty high, but if I’m not careful, I will hit a wall. For a long time, I really thought it was an energy thing, just my body making me rest. I have come to believe, however, that this is a mark of my introversion. I can function quiet well for a length of time as an outgoing person…but without opportunity to retreat,  I will hit a wall.

One of the issues candidates for both provisional and full member must always address is boundaries, including their ability to set boundaries for their own self-care. At times, pastors can present this as it everyone must do this perfectly—when few if any of us are. The trick is, our self-care cannot and should not look identical to anyone else’s, and part of maturing and living into our call as pastors is learning about ourselves, how we thrive, and what we need to renew.  And we would do well to respect differences in each other.

So, today, I am nursing my introversion and rather relishing some time sitting in front of my computer in the office. I am still interacting (we cannot, after all, fall prey to our weaknesses) but I know that soon enough, I’ll be recharge and back at it. By the grace of God, God uses both introverts and extroverts to be about what God is doing in the world. We just need to carefully discern both how to be at work and how to be at rest along this wonderful journey!