SARAH’S HEALTHY(ISH) – because that’s what adults are supposed to be doing, even though this admittedly isn’t as tasty – BREAKFAST BURRITOS

The other evening I posted a pic on Instagram and Facebook of a batch of breakfast burritos I was making to freeze so I could reheat them in the mornings for breakfast. I bemoaned that this was what adulthood had made me resort to. Here’s the pic:

Ironically, some of the rest of you have also fallen prey to the perils of adulthood and asked for my recipe. Ah, brave, sad souls.

But…I’ve of late decided to blog more, and since at present my highlights of the week are just being frustrated my body won’t cooperate with 100% of whatever I want to eat or do (wah!), well, I’ll spare you that. Well, let me at least say I went for a therapeutic massage yesterday for my neck, which since I made the appointment, had greatly improved, but still got tight at times. You know how they tell you that a good (read: intense) massage can be to your muscles like a workout (and can make them a bit more sore)? Yeah. Which was clearly that I needed, right?! But we just keep looking ahead and for forward progress, even if along the way there are bumps in the recovery. Just keep repeating that…

So…burritos!

First of all, I should never be considered a culinary expert. I don’t even follow recipes well. The being told precisely what to do bugs me. My husband is very good at following recipes and can make wonderful dishes. And do so consistently. I’m often more hit or miss. But I often go for simplicity and quantity.

When I need good solid, tasty and basic recipes, there are a few sites I’ve come to love (we have cookbooks too, which I occasionally use for classic items—books like Fannie Farmers, The Joy of Cooking and America’s Test Kitchen stuff):

The Pioneer Woman (Rea Drummond)

Six Sisters

Alton Brown (via The Food Network)

I’d seen the idea of making ahead a batch of breakfast burritos, but of course didn’t save the link. So when I decided to do it again, I pulled up recipes.

I used The Pioneer Woman recipe as a loose basis, though added the wrapping-for-freezing instructions I found somewhere else (sorry I don’t recall where).

So, if you want a good recipe, use Rea Drummond’s. Otherwise, here’s mine (and sorry no snazzy blog recipe pics):

SARAH’S HEALTHY(ISH) – because that’s what adults are supposed to be doing, even though this admittedly isn’t as tasty – BREAKFAST BURRITOS

INGREDIENTS:

12 8-inch tortillas (though mine were overstuffed and prob. 14-16 would have worked well—16 is how many comes in a Wegmans package)

14 eggs (because that’s literally what was in my fridge and the spare 2 would go bad soon; but I think 1 per burrito is a good ratio. For real though, follow your heart)

2 red peppers

2 green peppers

1 large onion

2 cups (ish) of breakfast potatoes (either from frozen, or bake a couple potatoes, dice them and fry them up)

1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed

Olive oil, to saute

Salt and Pepper (to taste…sorry, I have no quantities for you…this is the art part of it; salt the potatoes well though—they always seem to need more salt than I think they should)

¼ cup sour cream (figured I’d finish off what was in the fridge)

½ cup of salsa (I tasted the filling, as any good chef should, and it needed something, so I pour some salsa in— ½ cup sounds like that’s maybe how much)

You’ll also need wax paper and foil.

INGREDIENT NOTES:

I was going for healthy here, so I omitted or replaced or otherwise minded the following things that normal people would want to include (and that Rea does):

Sausage – I replaced with black beans

Cheese – I know, so sad; I did toss in a bit of sour cream, though I’m sure they’d be fine without.

I’m confident the burritos are yummier with sausage and cheese, and for kids or adults fine with tanking their health—I’m not judging, but still—you’ll want to include these. You don’t have to overdo them, even still. Also, be more mindful of salt you’re adding if you put in cheese and sausage—both of these bring their own salt to the party. I don’t generally worry about adding salt, since (1) I know I don’t go crazy with it and (2) most people won’t come nearly close—like in the same galaxy—adding salt to home cooked and you’ll get in prepared foods, so even adding salt, you’re prob. Still doing just fine.

DIRECTIONS

1.       Dice the peppers and onions.

2.       Saute the pepper and onions in a reasonable amount of olive oil. I tried to do all together, and they got cooked but not nicely like on Rea’s page. Would prob. Have been better to at least do the onion and peppers separately. But I was trying to make these just before the girls’ bedtime, so I was rushing.

3.       While all this is cooking, prep your wrapping. Place 12 squares(ish) of foil on table or counter, or whatever you’ve got. Put a piece of wax paper about the same size on top. Then a tortilla on top, in the middle of each. Why wax paper AND foil? No idea. That’s what a website I found on Google said. So it must be right.

4.       Set peppers and onions aside.

5.       Saute potatoes in olive oil, add salt and pepper. You def. want this pan to be hot so the peppers get crisp some. I had to take a break just before this (for bedtime) and actually put the pan on a cold burner and poured the potatoes in to thaw while I was away. Saved me time later.

6.       Once almost done, add black beans. I used canned, though you could use rehydrated. I don’t think heating them with the beans actually accomplishes anything. But hey. Why now.

7.       Set aside beans and potatoes. If you want to get a head start on mixing, just add these to the peppers and onions in a big bowl.

8.       Wisk your eggs, add some water (or not, this is a random thing I picked up from watching a cooking show) and toss in your pan to cook scrambled. Be sure you’re using a bit of olive oil and salt and pepper. Though I really shouldn’t have to tell you this at this point. After all, you’re an adult making healthy food. Also, your pan will likely look funky at this point. It’s okay. Just don’t scrape too hard when you take the eggs out and the yucky stuff will stay in the pan (though come our easy with a soak in water).

9.       Just as eggs are solid, removed from heat and add to all the other stuff.

10.   Taste, and add sour cream, salsa (and yes, cheese) as you desire. Remember your doctor is going to be testing your cholesterol at some point though. Just don’t blame me, is all I’m saying. You be sure you tell your doctor that I said no cheese or sausage. What you do from there is on you.

11.   Put a scoop of the complete mixture in the middle of each tortilla. I had a bit more filling than really worked for 12, but I went with it.

12.   Wrap your burritos: one side in, then both perpendicular sides, then roll into the final side. Ok, this is hard to explain. If you don’t know, Google it. It’s an important life skill (and it takes time to master, so cut yourself some slack—the burritos will hold together better after being frozen and microwaved than you think they will at this point).

13.   Roll the burritos in the wax paper, then, wrap the foil around them securely. I made the mistake at this point of twisting the ends of the wax paper (like they were fancy breakfast burrito candies!). But then little bits of wax paper were hard to get out later. So just be careful.

14.   Put them in the freezer. I’d suggest not stacking on top of each other, esp. if the filling was still warm, so they cool and freeze quickly.

TO REHEAT

1.       Pick a burrito out of the freezer.

2.       Unwrap and remove it from both the foil and the wax paper.

3.       Roll it in a full size paper towel.

4.       Microwave on high for 2-3 minutes. There are so many variables in how long this will take, so you’ll just have to troubleshoot for yourself. I do fine it helpful to rotate it a quarter of the way every 30 second or so in order to get even heating.

5.       Eat it.

So there, you have it. And also an illustration about why I don’t post recipes. J

But, I am an adult, after all. And apparently this is the sort of stuff adults do. Posting recipes online and making a dozen burritos at 9 pm on a Monday.

Living Life Out Loud: Sometimes You Can't Just Snap Out of It On Your Own (and that's okay and you're not alone)

“…so then last week I went back to my primary care doctor. The physician’s assistant I saw listened to me and asked questions for a long time. Like 45 minutes. She told me she thought it would be a good idea if she gave me a prescription to help with the neck pain for a couple weeks. Then she said that many of the symptoms I was describing sounded a lot like depression.”

 “And how did you feel about that?” 

“I mean, it made sense. I had realized the way I was describing how I was feeling was how, professionally, I would describe depression: like I was caught on a merry-go round and couldn’t get off.  And I meant that both physically and emotionally. She asked if I had a counselor. So I told her I had you, and that just that morning my husband and I had been talking and decided I should schedule to come back in to see you. I emailed you to make an appointment while I was sitting in the room with her.”

 “You know what? When I walked out into the waiting room to get you, I looked at your face, and I thought to myself, ‘She is depressed.’ You can often see it in a person’s face.”

After spending most of that session describing this summer (and even back into the spring) from hell—a sort of health care odyssey that involved tests, surgery to remove my gallbladder, and anxieties that mounted which each day waiting for surgery or each day afterwards when I thought I should be better than I was—this was where my counselor and I landed.

I started seeing this particular counselor when my brother Dan started struggling with his own mental health issues again in early 2014. I’ve been in counseling on and off since college, and I’d learned a lot about family systems and mental illness and diagnosed patients, and well, I figured I could best help myself and him if I was getting counseling.

I often tell people, when I’ve had occasion to have discussions about health issues, that one of my least favorite medical questions is “Tell me about your family’s heart history.” Ha. Well, here goes…

It’s not pretty.

But an equally challenging question is this, “Tell me about your family’s mental health history.”

Because of my family’s heart history, I know I need to take seriously eating well, getting (and keeping) my weight down, and exercising. I know that doing all these things may still not make problems stay away, but given our genetics, it is foolish to do otherwise. Doesn’t mean I always do them well…but I know I should.

In the same way, it is foolish to pretend that my body does not carry tendencies that may make it easier for me to stumble into depression, or, since most people have down times, perhaps it’s even true to say, may make it harder for me to snap out of them. And while life experiences (and some really good counselors over the years) have taught me tools to maintain my emotional health most of the time without really even being aware of it anymore, sometimes life collapses on me—as it does on anyone.

By the time I was sitting there in my counselor’s office, a week had passed since my primary care doctor had given me meds to help relieve neck pain. My body (and yes, probably mind) has taken longer to bounce back from the summer and my surgery than I would like. And it’s been all too easy to let any physical symptom get rolled into all the others and try to self-diagnose what’s wrong.

Or turn to Google. The great enemy of having realistic views of any symptom you’re experiencing.

The simple, “You need to rest and let your body heal,” is a terribly unsatisfying answer (and truth) for me.

As my counselor told me, part of the challenge is that you cannot disconnect the body and mind. It is impossible to know for sure which came first—the body or mind (and that such a distinction was artificial anyway, really). I was already feeling a ton better—not back to normal—but a different person than when I’d been at my doctor’s office. The medicine had indeed helped ease my neck, and, perhaps just naming that I was struggling with the weight of all of this gave me the clarity and permission to cut myself some slack.

I’d already starting using the tools I knew I needed when I had to work more intentionally to stay well. This time, I’d even started using tools my father did when he was coming off of his diagnosis and hospitalization for bi-polar depression: things like posting positive, affirming notes (I used post-it notes) to re-wire the mental messages I’d been telling myself. Instead of convincing myself I was sick and not better enough, those notes reminded me what people had told me but I had trouble remembering: my body had been through a lot—it was strong but just needed patience; I needed to rest, and if being a mom and a pastor meant I couldn’t rest as much as maybe I really should, then yes, recovery was going to drag on a bit; that needing rest was a sign my body knew what it needed, not that it was broken.

I’ve had occasion, both recently, and throughout my life, to have conversations with people who have struggled with depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses. Everyone is different. Bodies are different. Life circumstances are different. Resources (money, time, relationships) are different. And all these things shape what treatments are helpful or possible.

For me, counseling, exercise, and behavioral changes have been powerfully helpful. Medication, intense psychotherapy, etc., are tools which have been helpful to so many. All of these can help people get to a place where they no longer feel caught in a feedback loop. For some, successful treatment will still mean they work harder day by day to be energized and motivated. What passes as success and health for one person will look different than it does for another. We do harm to ourselves and others when we hold expectations which are unreasonable and simply keep us feeling stuck. This is why we need professional support—not only to find helpful treatment (sometimes this takes lots of time—it took my father at least a decade to be solidly stable) but also to identify what a reasonable and maintainable degree of mental (as with physical) health looks like for you.

After Dan’s suicide (because even the best counseling for me couldn’t change the challenges he faced, and the pain he often overcame with great effort and strength but could not one night) a song that helped shape how I and my family wanted to move forward was Rob Thomas’ song “Someday.” It includes the words,

And maybe someday

We'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to make things better now and

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehow

Someday

This song is powerful to me not only because of Dan’s struggle, but because of the family system he and I were both tied to. A family system which for over a decade actively hid my father’s mental illness from so many--almost everyone. A system which did not live life out loud. People smarter than I could more accurately assess what went wrong. In my analysis, though, keeping secrets is a burden no one can bear long. Keeping secrets which prevent you from getting support you need can (well, definitely will) make you more and more unhealthy. And keeping those secrets makes all of us feel more and more alone—like we’re the only ones struggling.

So I decided after Dan’s suicide I was going to live my life out loud, try to throw a bit of light, even when much of what I learned and practiced for many years screams at me to keep it shut up. I want to do this for myself, for my husband and kids (who I don’t ever want to feel like they can’t confide in someone when I am having a rough time, or God forbid if they ever are) and for others, who maybe think they’re alone, or broken, that it’s they’re fault (especially if they’ve been told stupid things by other pastors or church folks, like just pray harder, or that struggling is a sign of spiritual weakness).

To be sure, my faith journey and spiritual disciplines are important ways I stay grounded and healthy. But they are just part of the tools God has surrounded me with. The tools God has provided for all of us to be whole and healthy.

For me, I remain committed to regular professional care (I love my counselor, and heck, I’d see her every day, but that seems excessive) and my body is indeed still physically recovering from surgery and my doctors are keeping a close eye in case anything else needs physical treatment or care going forward. I still get tired more easily than I’d like, but for the first time in my adult life, am trying to listen to that feeling and not just power through (people tell me I’ll come to enjoy naps, though now I mostly resent them). And it ain’t for nothing that experts are increasingly learning about the connection between mind and gut—stupid gallbladder. After all, you cannot separate your mind and body.

This Sunday, I’m preaching on the lectionary Gospel (Luke 13:10-17) about Jesus healing the woman, “who had been disabled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and couldn’t stand up straight.” While her healing is clearly a miracle—Jesus lays hands and says the words, “Woman, you are set free from your sickness”—it is important to note, I think, that Jesus doesn’t just tell her to walk it off. Shake it off. Mind over matter, you know. Jesus provides the tools she needs to return to health. For her it was his hands and words. For me it has been different tools these past few months. For you it may be different still.

God calls us to—and offers us—healing and wholeness. And there are many tools to do so. You are not alone. You are not uniquely broken. We are, all of us—every single one of us—broken. And some seasons are more difficult than others. Sometimes we can walk through difficult seasons—walk through fires—seemingly unscathed. Other times, there are mountains we cannot cross under our own power. Mountains even the Little Engine That Could couldn’t.

But healing and wholeness lie ahead of us.

Therefore, let us lay aside our shame, our pain, our isolation, and find ways to support each other along the journey, encourage each other to find the tools and treatments which will lead us to greater healing and wholeness, and yes, the faith and strength that only God can give which can up gird us in our darkest moments.

Let us live our lives out loud.