On Dad's Birthday and The Untidiness of Death (and Life)

Today would have been my father’s 57^th birthday. It would have, except that he died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive heart attack almost two years ago, July 3.

I remember much about the days after his death. My father’s death, like his life, left in its wake a mess for others to clean up. Only this time, Dad isn’t here to help, or to push along with his, “It’s better to ask forgiveness than permission” motto. He is also not here to come in with his calm, jovial personality (when at his best) to diffuse or completely mask the pain.

Chris and I are fans of the show “The Good Wife.” We started watching it because we’d previously been fans of the show “Numbers,” and when we heard the same brothers (Ridley Scott and Tony Scott) who had made that show had a new show, we had to check it out. And we got hooked.

Little did we know that one of the brothers, Tony Scott, would become himself a news story, like his characters. In August of 2012, he committed suicide. I remember at the time—before I ever imagined our family would have its own story of suicide—thinking it highly unlikely that he hadn’t, as stories seemed to say, really indicated why he had done it. I was sure the family knew and was keeping it. And maybe they are. We are not entitled to the fine details of their pain. But I know now that many, even most, people who commit suicide do not leave a note. And even when they do, it’s rarely the entire story. News stories about Tony Scott’s death indicate that he left a note, but it did not reveal why he took his life.

What I remember most about that tragic loss, though, is something Tony’s brother Ridley said later, when defending the show’s sudden, and not-neat death of one of its key characters, Will Gardner. I can’t find the quote now (so indeed, maybe it is apocryphal and conflated with words of others on the show) but it was something to the extent of how he wanted the death to seem real. And often, death does not bring the neat and tidy endings portrayed in film and TV. Sometimes, as the show has teased out with Will’s death, there is mess, and uncertainty. Sometimes you try to think back over the final days of a person’s life to fill in the holes your relationship with them left. And usually, try as you might, you cannot tidy things up.

Indeed, sometimes the untidiness of death also leads us to focus more on a person’s death than their life. I suspect this is true and becomes less so as time passes, once you resign yourself to the untidiness of it all.

My father lived 55 years and a couple months. He experienced many things in those years. He had great successes and deep failures. He helped many people and hurt some.

Today, yes, his birthday still brings thoughts of his death. Not his death itself, but all the things I would’ve liked resolved. Tidied up. I would very much like the script rewritten. But we do not have those chances in life. Nor do we know how “rewrites” would impact the final draft. Maybe next year will, as this year is from the last, be even easier. Perhaps we shall get even more of the mess left to us cleaned up. Perhaps I will be able to even more fully see Dad with the eyes I proclaim to others, that we are never known to God by our worst moments.

I remain convinced that Dad knew the love of God. That he was deeply grateful to have been called to share God’s love with others. That he sought to live out, day by day, the Prayer of Thomas Merton. A prayer which had such meaning and importance for him. In all of life’s rewrites, it is indeed well that all of us hold on to it as well:

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen."

Nehemiah 2:1-6

Continuing my slow journey through Nehemiah, today we ease into the second chapter.

The first chapter is preparation. Setting the stage. Now things get moving.

We know already that Nehemiah is cupbearer to the king. The king has enough regard for him, this passage shows, to be aware of his moods. Now I’m no royal, nor have I been in the presence of one. But I do watch Game of Thrones. A season or two seasons behind. So I know that not all royals give a hoot about what other people are feeling. Or if they do, only about select people. King Artaxerxes almost certainly fit into this latter group. So the mere fact he mentions Nehemiah’s mood evidences something we’ve already seen: Nehemiah is in a unique place to act.

Nehemiah isn’t under any illusion of his importance though. He is not trying to manipulate. This is no House of Cards power broker. The scripture says he was “very much afraid.”

Many have said that courage is not the absence of fear, but of pressing on nonetheless. Nelson Mandela, for example, is quoted as saying, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

Courage requires deliberation, and a careful assessment (well, some assessment) of the risks. Otherwise, it’s just carelessness or bravado. And perhaps there is a place and time for those. Or not. But courage is a different sort of quality. Nehemiah has courage. And his courage is not borne of arrogance in his own wisdom or will, nor of a shallow desire to exert his influence. It comes from a place of discerning God’s will and knowing, as many before and after him would know, that if we follow God’s will, well, that’s all and only what we should do. I might like to say, if you follow God’s will, you will succeed, but that involves also our ability to define success. Follow God’s will. Do that. And you’ll be doing God’s will. And that is the greatest good. That is success. It may not look or feel like it. And it may cost you much, even your life (Jesus, of course, suggests this). But it will be a deeper, more truer success than any person can define.

Nehemiah seeks God’s guidance throughout. He doesn’t pop in with some thin, theologically-starved conviction that if he seeks to follow God’s will he’ll be master of all. He just takes it one step at a time.

I used to watch (and still do sometimes) lots of Law and Order. One of the things I learned about the legal system (the first is, if you commit a crime, DON’T TELL ANYONE…well, that’s second, the first is, don’t commit a crime…) is that you should just answer the question you are asked. This is actually always a good guidance. Parents—just answer the question your kid asks. Pastors—just answer the question your members ask. All of this to say part of our pedagogical role is to help people ask better questions. But answering the question asked is a good place to start. And if under pressure or duress, a good place to stay.

That’s what Nehemiah does. First he answers the king’s question about why he’s sad, then Nehemiah waits for the king’s next question. Well, what do you want? And Nehemiah is ready. We cannot create some of the most important opportunities in our lives. But we can be prepared. Prepared to respond. Sometimes we won’t even know what the opportunities are we would seek. But we ought always to be prayerfully tuned in to the ways God is always calling us to new things. Sometimes there are also indeed some specific needs we fell God calling us to. And being prepared to move if and when the opportunity arises? Well, that’s just good stewardship.

I love the king’s response. He didn’t give a yes or no. I mean, his answer was clearly yes. But even his response looked further ahead. It wasn’t just about Nehemiah’s mission, but about when he would return. What is next. Looking ahead is a key quality of great leaders. I can’t comment on Artaxerxes’ leadership. But what he did there is what I home my leaders do for me, and what I can do for others. Always keep looking ahead. Because that is where God does God’s greatest work.

And there’s a lot of great stuff ahead for Nehemiah. As there is for us—even further ahead than the goals and dreams we can each articulate now. God is always doing something new and driving us forward.

And just think, we get to be part of it all!!! How cool.