The Silence of Leadership

Yesterday I spent the day at our Frederick District Committee on Ordained Ministry. I have served on the DCOM for a couple years now, and am preparing to come on as chair after the end of this program year. I love serving on DCOM, and am looking forward to serving as chair--the organization it requires and the opportunity to help encourage and shape the next generation of UM clergy is really exciting. It does, also, though, make a transition in terms of my involvement on the DCOM that any good leader must make--the transition to silence.

I've gotten quite up close and personal with the DCOM handbook lately (as a United Methodist, handbooks and policies give me a great sense of peace and comfort) :-) and one of the notes it has for chairs is that the chair should be moderating the interviews with candidates, not so much asking questions (the handbook suggests asking the first question then letting the committee carry the rest of the interview). Now, it certainly cannot be said that I keep my mouth shut during interviews. I love the work, and I like to try to really find out what's going on with candidates, so I like asking questions. But it is indeed a skill of good leaders, I believe, to cultivate silence. And to understand that sometimes (even often, it might be said) a leader is not called to dictate their way, but to lead and represent the group, even when the leader may not totally agree.

A bit ago, when I was asked to serve as DCOM chair, I called my dad to ask for his experience and wisdom (he comes off as his DCOM chair this year, after serving on BOOM for many years, and as DCOM chair in two different districts). He offered a great deal of good advice and reflection, including his own experience that as chair, he sometimes has to communicate the committee's decision which may not always be perfectly in line with his--but that is the chair's job.

I must confess I'm not good at silence (I know, I know, those of you who know me are shocked). Why let a good thought go unspoken, I say! And since one cannot always know what is good or bad, why not err on the side of saying it, right? Ha. Or not.

Seriously, though, I have (and continue to) learn the power of silence. Now, silence is only powerful when used correctly--otherwise it can be a hazard--but when used correctly, silence can help a group make a decision they are all on board with. In fact, as a leader, your silence can even help direct the group to your own point of view, or can allow them to come to an even better conclusion than you yourself could have stumbled upon.

Cultivating silence also allows a leader to listen well--to see what is really going on in a group and then to know what does need to be said. Silence can also allow a group to work through some emotional road blocks on their own, and not rely upon the leader to moderate every issue. Silence can empower a group, and that in turn can make the leader look very, very good.

I suspect too many leaders haven't gotten the silence memo. And let me say, silence is probably never going to be my greatest strength. But it is quite a tool when used properly. More than being a tool, it is often what is just plain appropriate. As is true for a DCOM chair and many others, many leaders are the only ones really able to stand on the balcony and help the group see what is needed, what decisions need to be made, where the group is (it's hard to do that when you're right smack in the middle of things) and what needs to happen next. Sometimes the leader can help the team identify what the actual issues of disagreement are, or what the areas of agreement are. The leader is very important in these roles--but doing them effectively requires silence.

The challenge with silence is that there's nearly always someone who things you should do it more, and someone who thinks you should do it less. The trick is to have the ability to take feedback and process how your own use of silence is working. And yes, it actually probably most helpful to err on the side of keeping your mouth shut. Yes, it hurts me to say that. But it is true.

So, I look forward to getting better in my use of silence, and by doing so, becoming even better at empowering others. This is, I believe, a key role of elders in the UMC, and one I hope to get better and better at day by day, year by year, and role by role. May you have the chance to do the same.

On Being an Associate Pastor--WORST CASE

Yesterday I shared about my own experience as an associate pastor. As you can see from that post, I don’t claim to be some expert in being an associate pastor. But I still didn’t touch on what to do if you find yourself as an associate in a bad set up. So today I want to offer some “worst case” suggestions—some of these I’ve used in small ways to handle particular situations, and I’d suggest these same techniques are helpful in a range of difficult working relationships.

First of all, my entire approach to working with others is largely shaped by the family systems approach, which I think at base suggests it’s pretty silly to try to change other people. If you’re IN the system, you CAN change it. Perhaps not as quickly or even in the exact way you’d like to, but it is absolutely possible.  And the way you do that is by changing the way YOU function. So I’m going to suggest some ways to do that.

Sometimes, though, all the best techniques and approaches will not help. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, you and your senior pastor just will not vibe. I would suggest, though, that you not jump to that conclusion but rather make a hearty effort to try to change your behavior and see what happens. I suspect there are some senior-associate positions that could thrive if the associate earnestly changed their behaviors and approaches—and that this could eventually not be a burden for them to do so.

But when it just cannot be fixed, when the $#!& hits the fan, make sure you handle it in an appropriate way. Never vent your frustrations to other staff or members of the congregation. You are co-workers, but not peers with other staff. Even if there are multiple associates, it is not appropriate to trash your boss. Talking together to find ways to work better, sure. Reflecting together on something that has happened? Ok. Just be careful not to turn into teenagers.

So who do you turn to? Insofar as possible, be direct with your senior pastor. It may be difficult, but at least try to touch on concerns you have before you take them up the ladder. Rely on whatever persons or structures in your denomination are specifically identified as those supervising pastors. As a United Methodist, if it’s beyond a matter of making some tweeks to the relationship or seeking clarity (something an SPRC could be helpful moderating) go to your District Superintendent. Always share information as factually as possible, and never tell them what to do. Seek their advice, don’t try to give them yours.

Be aware that if things are really bad and you want to be moved, you do not get to pick where to. You enter the fray like the rest of us. And that fray may entail you staying where you are for a bit longer and making it work as best you can. Yes, sometimes you just have to put your head down and push through. But always try to make sure someone knows that’s what you’re doing. Don’t suffer in silence and expect things to magically change. Neither your senior pastor, SPRC, DS or bishop can read your mind. But they also are not to be subject to your least controlled emotions. Share all concerns professionally, and with a willingness to actually be led and taught.

But what if things are yet that bad, but you’re struggling to feel like you’re thriving in the associate position? Try these techniques that for me are grounded in family systems approach (if you’re in this situation and you haven’t read Generation to Generation, go buy a copy and read it today).

Be your best self.

No matter how your senior pastor is behaving, don’t be anything other than the person God is calling you to be in terms of conducting yourself.  Your senior pastor may be lazy, vindictive, immature, inappropriate or any other list of terrible things. If you feel like any of your senior’s behaviors have reached the point of needed to be share with whoever is above you, you have the ability to do that. But know that once that happens, it cannot be taken back and may start a chain of events far beyond your control. So use that with great trepidation. NEVER take your senior pastor’s inappropriate behavior as an excuse to be inappropriate yourself. Be responsible, conscientious, use your skills to the best of your ability, and conduct yourself maturely. Keep in mind that if your senior pastor’s bad behavior is so evident to you, others see it as well. You will be well respected if you can be the bigger person without being a jerk about it (or telling people, “Hey, look, I’m being so much more mature!”) This is your life, and just as your senior pastor should suffer the consequences for their behavior, you will suffer the consequences for yours, and you cannot use the excuse that they were doing something wrong so it seemed okay for you to as well. Basically, be a grown up.

Don’t protect your senior pastor from the consequences of their actions.

We live in a world where we are often trying to protect people from the consequences of their actions. This has reached a critical condition for our children, many of whom reach adulthood without fully understanding how to face the consequences of their actions (that’s a hard lesson to learn suddenly in your twenties). Sometimes covering for your senior can be a caring thing, but it often gets out of control, and can easily lead to you enabling their bad behavior. Do your job, but don’t step in to protect them from the consequences of their actions. Hear me, though: don’t CREATE consequences. Ever. Don’t add to it. But don’t protect them either. Sometimes that means watching something fall apart when you know you could step in and save it. But if you’re always covering for them, they will never understand the severity of their behavior, and others may not realize it either—how would your DS know there’s a problem if there are never any symptoms of it?

Excel but don’t compete.

Do your job and do it well. Seek to do better and better each day. But avoid the temptation to compete with your pastor. Don’t play to people who straight up praise you while down talking your senior. Thank them for the complement and either say something nice about your senior, or if you can’t do that, at least don’t engage. OR, find a way to spin their negative feedback toward a constructive approach. I think it’s okay to acknowledge a concern, but try to do so without feeding the fire, or while sharing suggestions you’ve learned about working with that weakness. Again, people will respect you for this, especially if they see what’s going on and realize what a difficult position you’re in.

Be a safe place for others to voice concerns but don’t become an opposing force.

This is related to the above point. I’d rather an upset person share that with the associate than others, than engaging in gossip, because sometimes it can also help the associate identify parts of the system they might be able to improve without having to engage the senior pastor (as in, areas that they can change their behaviors to help address a concern). I think as an associate you can have immense influence, but you have to do it within the appropriate structure. There’s probably more room to do that than might first appear. But don’t get into a power structure. You’ll lose. Or you should, at least.

Avoid making the senior pastor the diagnosed patient.

In Generation to Generation, Edwin Friedman describes the danger in a system of blaming one person for all the dysfunction in the system. If you feel like there is dysfunction going on in your congregation, it is unlikely it’s ONLY your senior pastor’s fault. If he or she has been there for a length of time and seemingly successful, the congregation has embraced and celebrated this behavior. Perhaps past staff and associates have covered for the senior so no one knows the problems. Maybe something has changed in the senior’s life or mental or emotional state that has created a crisis. If the senior has not necessarily thrived, you at least find yourself in a situation where people’s silence and unwillingness to act upon concerns to the level needed has enabled the behavior. Be aware that in these cases, simply changing the senior pastor will not make everything better. In some cases it may help a lot, but even in those cases, much work will need to make what has become a dysfunction system functional again. Therefore, you can already start to help promote healthy relationships in others, which will in turn likely either start changing the senior pastor’s behavior (though it may cause a crisis first) OR may so clearly highlight the issues that the system itself starts seeking ways to remove or change the senior pastor.

Friedman talks about being a non-anxious presence. And really, that’s all I’m getting at. There’s so much more involved in that, but it works. You CAN change a dysfunctional system, though it may mean causing great disruption. You may not be safe, and you may get a lot of push back. Consult with others who are appropriate to do so, if nothing else then as a check for whether you are being wise and discerning whether you are acting out of humility and love for the church or your own pride and arrogance. We are not good at seeing that. And make sure those you seek out for advice are ones you believe will actually be honest with you. Sometimes your spouses can be that person, other times they will be too biased. But seek others’ wisdom. If you try to ride it out and act as a lone ranger, you are probably part of the problem. Or you will certainly become so.

These are just a few suggestions. If you find yourself in a really tough spot as an associate, you will need support and encouragement. Make sure you have that—if you feel both under pressure AND isolated, the likelihood of you acting inappropriately is quite high. Protect yourself, be your best self, and avoid doing anything that would reflect poorly on you.

On Being an Associate Pastor

The other day, one of our conference staff passed along this article about associate pastors “strengthening” senior pastors, and asked me and several other associates to comment. Seems that all of us found it lacking—as I pointed out in my reply to him, if you have a good relationship with your senior pastor, it was pointless, and if you actually need help building that relationship and understanding that role, the article doesn’t actually tell you HOW to go about doing it. He then asked if any of us had written an article—I’m not nearly important enough to have stuff published, but I, like so many others in the democratic chaos of the internet, have a blog, so I figured, why not?

I have not always been an associate pastor. In fact, as I was preparing to graduate from seminary, I desperately did not want to be one. Mostly, I wanted to preach weekly (a task which, ironically enough I now do, since we have a Sunday evening service—which means about once a month I preach two sermons—at three services—on a Sunday). But I was also haunted, I must admit, by the probably astute remark of one of my seminary professors, himself a retired, acclaimed pastor. He told me there probably weren’t many pastors who would be able to have me as an associate. I think that was something along the lines of when my dad told me it would take a “special” (said with a twist of tone!) guy to be my husband. Both were probably correct, and I have been blessed to have found both such unique characters!

As I’ll mention later, I don’t think it’s a huge surprise they are both similar to each other in some key ways.

I by no means have extensive experience as an associate, and I can’t tell you how crazy fortunate I am to be in the position I am. As it happened, after a four year appointment out of seminary as the lead pastor on a small two point charge, I was appointed as the associate in the closest large town, with a senior pastor who had happened to me my supervising pastor during my commissioning years (which had ended just one year prior). I love to tell the story of how my senior pastor, Ken, didn’t recognize my name when he got the call about his new associate! He swore he didn’t know who they meant, despite the conference staff person’s insistence he did! Ken had attended my wedding—but still had me in mind by my maiden name!

I walked into a situation where the previous associate had left midway through the appointment year, and things had been pretty harried for a while as Ken and the staff held things together for half a year till I was appointed—at a church that worships over 360+ on average, not having an associate is pretty challenging.

All that said, and I do believe when Ken says he was happy to hear I was coming, but no senior-associate relationship reaches its greatest depth immediately. I may have been the associate, but it takes time for people to get to know you—and for you to get to know them.

Here’s how I navigated that first stage as an associate:

1. I kept it clear in my mind that my job was for sure to support the congregation and be its pastor in the fullest sense, but that the way I was to do that was by following Ken’s lead and making him look good. I am absolutely convinced this is key. I’ve had to learn how to do this—because it sometimes means holding my tongue in meetings—and though I haven’t always done that perfectly, I’ve tried to get better and better. That doesn’t mean I don’t speak up, but I try not to do so unless I’ve made my views clear to Ken first, and after some folks pointed out that even then I was perhaps jumping in too quick, I have tried to be more cautious. Over time, Ken saw this and I think it made it easier for him to be willing to hear my views and opinions—he often lets me just vent or lay into some long (you can’t believe that I would be long, right?) explanation.
2. Reconcile myself to the fact that I don’t make the final decision on many things. And make peace with that. If I were not able to do that, there’s no way I could survive let along thrive as an associate. What helps me is that I really respect my senior pastor, though it does mean sometimes I really have to ask for more explanation from him about why. Sometimes I still don’t agree, but I’ve come to know how he approaches things, and learned to function within that system, and even listen closely to not only understand his decision, but also what other information he wants to make a different decision. For example, Ken has a ton on his plate. If I walk in with some off the wall idea, he’s often willing to consider it, but usually asks for more information and specifics. I’ve learned to come with more details than I might otherwise have had.
3. Communicate often and well. One of the reasons I still sometimes come to Ken with ideas early on is to make sure I’m heading in a direction he’s okay with. Neither he nor I have the time to start over on a complicated project. For example, I’m currently working on a new program, the Calvary Leadership Academy, which is a one day training for our congregation. At least weekly, I’ve given him an update on where it is—both to update him but also make sure he’s okay with where things are. By doing that (rather than get it all set then come to him) I’ve saved a lot of backtracking and also assured that the event has him definite stamp on it without it adding to his plate. I try to always take the initiative to communicate with Ken, and we both try to do this in formal and informal ways. I can’t remember the last time Ken had to call me to his office to ask about something—I try to check in several times a week, if not daily.
4.  Never be the last to know. It’s NEVER good for your supervisor to be caught by surprise. I can’t always anticipate when there’s an issue, or when someone might be upset at me, but insofar as I can, I want to be the one Ken hears from first.
5. Don’t try to change your senior pastor—who do you think you are? Learn to work with it. Ken has been in ministry longer than I’ve been alive. Don’t tell him I said that—but do keep in mind that except in very rare cases, your senior pastor does actually have more experience than you. That doesn’t mean they’re always right, or that there aren’t issues that are affecting their ministry. But DO NOT behave in a way you wouldn’t want your future associate to. They get to preach more? Of course. If you were senior, wouldn’t you? I have to admit I don’t really GET the idea of co-pastoring. I’ve been in different leadership roles too much to have romantic ideas of that working in most settings. I think someone needs to hold the reins. And part of your job is working in that setting in an appropriate way while staying true to yourself. For example, one of the challenges we have at Calvary is that with so many people, it’s tough to keep track of pastoral care issues, to keep us all updated. A number of months ago, Ken, Harry (our visitation pastor) and myself started using a confidential online system. We don’t use it exhaustively, and at any point, each of us likely has issues we haven’t even posted there, but it does allow for greater communication and coordination. It’s not perfect, but it’s helping. It was much easier to foster communication with this tool (keeping Ken up to date and on board about trying it) than to throw a fit about not being able to answer questions some folks would ask me about a pastoral care issue I wasn’t involved in, or just generally knowing how I could help.
6.  Expect to change. Don’t expect your senior pastor to. Personally, I have been able to have a great deal of impact on the very basic processes at Calvary, though not at all on others. That’s part of being an associate—you don’t see the same picture your senior does, and honestly, it would be a waste of time if an associate did all the same things as their senior (in that case, I would say the senior needs a personal assistant, not an associate pastor). Yes, there have been times Ken has changed his mind or headed in a direction I suggested, but only because (I believe) I took time to (1) be respectful and honest, (2) earnestly seek the best, not just be engaged in politics—most senior pastors have been around long enough to recognize, I believe, when you’re trying to play them, (3) learn how he thinks and have the information at hand that he’s going to want to see to make a decision, which may be more or less than I might first think of, and (4) build a track record for both success and being a team player.
7. Put up or shut up. Why should your senior pastor blindly trust you to try new or big things without having seen you succeed at those. Or to fail at them but evidence learning from them. Just like the parable of the talents, take good care of whatever you’re given at first, and I believe your areas of involvement and influence will expand.
8. Actually try to anticipate what he'll need and do actually and tangibly try to make his life--in terms of ministry--easier. It's gonna fall on him to make sure the linens are correct for a service or that things are laid out for the Ash Wednesday service? Why not try to at least start the task? Your big task is gathering info for a publication and he's been dealing with lawyers and finance people all day? Ask what you can take off his plate. In other words, actually care about his work, as much as you want him to care about yours.

These are just some of the key principles that got me started, and all remain vital today. I still work at probably all of them, though to differing degrees.

That said, I have only ever been the associate for one pastor, and I really cannot imagine a better relationship than we’ve had. Would I do some things differently—yes, probably very much so. But other things, I would, I hope, do quite similarly—and a number of these include issues that I’d have looked at differently when I was first starting out. Sometimes you can be surprised how right an idea is that you at first think is odd.

Another thing that’s helped me is that Ken is very respectful to me. We have, I think, a very good relationship, but I think it’s probably more formal than some senior/associate pastors. Ken and I don’t really socialize (owing partly to our personalities and partly to both our spouses being busy and us using our down time for time with their and other family). We get along quite well (probably because he sits through my ramblings more than a normal person ever should) and I can only speak for myself, but I quite enjoy catching up with him. And I feel safe being honest with him, I don’t fear he’ll try to “get back” at me for expressing my opinion, and most of all, my experience is if he has an issue or concern with my behavior or performance, he’ll tell me. It’s nice not to live paranoid.

The last thing I wanted to say (I think I could write a book) about what works for me as an associate, is that Ken is similar in some key ways to my husband—whose patterns and behaviors I had already learned before working with Ken. I think this same pattern could work well in partnering seniors and associates, though I think it would require that the relationship with spouse is healthy, and I also don’t know how gender differences would impact it. Two key areas they are similar (other than, you know, the odd talent they have for abiding me!) is their willingness and desire to hope for the best in people and wanting more concrete info than me before making big decisions. Both of these areas are relative, and related to my tendency to be led more by instincts (which can get me to jump the gun, though as my husband will attest, I’m usually right). I have learned, though, that sometimes I can still be guided by instincts but be more cautious and deliberate in ACTING upon those instincts. I can’t tell you how important that shift is!

I think that the same things I have tried as an associate would be helpful to anyone stepping into that position, but I also recognize it is a very different situation if the associate and senior pastor just don’t vibe. I think that’s a different thing that it taking time to settle in—but just like other relationships, sometimes two otherwise good people just shouldn’t be together. I think being an associate pastor has been one of the best environments I could have had to grow quite quickly early in my career, but it’s not for everyone. There are some really great pastors who should never be associates. And some really great pastors who should never have an associate. Arrogance is not helpful for either position, though I think easier to abide in a senior pastor—and absolutely unacceptable in an associate. Being an associate is a big effort in getting over yourself—though to that end, it’s a good part of your discipleship. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if we all learned to be under someone else’s guidance a bit more—especially when it isn’t comfortable or easy.

I hope I’ve communicated how fortunate my associate position is. It is a very good fit for me. But I also don’t want you to think it has come without difficultly. There have been days (these were more common early on as I was learning about how to work well with Ken and to anticipate things better) when I came home frustrated. Very frustrated. Days when the role of associate has been hard.  On those days, I relied upon my husband (NOT other staff or people in the church) to relieve my stress and vent to, then the next day I got back at it. What has made this position a blessing is that those times have almost never last more than a day, and they have often ended up being opportunities for me to learn more about myself, learn from Ken’s experience and guidance, and times for God to show me something new.

I am a convert. I used to think being an associate would be a rather depressing, difficult undertaking. I have found it to be quite the opposite. I have learned more than I can express as an associate pastor, and for all the differences between Ken and me and how we do and would approach things, it is a blessing that where he reflects on some of his experiences as an associate as times he learned what NOT to do as a senior pastor, in terms of our senior-associate relationship, I can only hope I might one day be as gracious, supportive and mentoring as a senior pastor.

On Refuting Traditional Christianity

Yesterday I wrote a post responding to a post by an Atheist--I first wanted to say I was incorrect that my husband went to school with the writer--when talking with Chris last night, I found out he went to school with a kid who had posted the blog post on his Facebook. Not really relevant to the content of the post, but I wanted to clarify.

I also suggested I would be able to make a better case for Atheism, and that I think I could, but I don't want to (perhaps it's about like saying I didn't apply to Yale but couldn't gotten in if I'd wanted, which is pointless and only true in my mind since I didn't try!). BUT I did want to share a few resources so you can see some of the powerful and informed (I think) challenges to Christianity. Now, it's important to point out that these folks are not what you'd call Atheists, generally. In fact, some would call themselves Christian, perhaps. They do not, at any rate, affirm the historic creeds, and some just plain have rejected Christianity.

If you really want to evaluate these sources, I'd encourage you to read not only their stuff but also their critics. They make scriptural, theological and philosophical arguments that are often pretty technical. I'm reminded of my first Church History course, when Dr. Warren Smith would quite eloquently present the beliefs of a guy long dead, get most of us just to the point of agreeing, then say, "And he was declared a heretic." The most dangerous and seductive heresies are often hard to see at first without a deep understanding of the historic faith of the church. So just approach these with the understanding that it's like you're walking right into a debate happening at a seminary and reflect and research accordingly.

BART EHRMAN
A New Testament scholar, he uses scripture to challenge many traditional ideas about Jesus. He himself has gone through a journey from evangelical Christianity to liberal Christianity to agnosticism. To see some basic info as well as responses, check out his Wikipedia page.

THE JESUS SEMINAR
Now, I'm going to upset a few folks by including these folks on this list, but since the Jesus Seminar largely exists to challenge traditional assumptions of Jesus, i think they're kind of proud of it. Their Wikipedia page will also give you a few views of their work. Actually, their Wikipedia page has a rather good summary of modern challenges to traditional Christian theology.

RICKY GERVAIS
Okay, this is by no means a scholarly writing, and I'm not of the opinion that entertainment celebrities are necessarily the best ones to take our religion, politics or social opinions from, but I thought his article here was a thoughtful of a piece about Atheism as I've seen in a while.

That being said (and these are but a few) I want to also share some solid Christian perspectives. Now, another person or pastor would offer different ones. Certainly these are shape by my own views, which I do not claim speak for all of Christendom. I believe I am in line with the historic creeds, but there are a great many theological debates out there, some dealing with very small but very significant details. But here are some recommendations:

N.T. WRIGHT
If there was a modern theological icon, N.T. Wright would be it, at least for many Duke grads. His book Simply Christian has all the strengths of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, but is more modern and relevant today, and far more readable. Pretty much anything theological that he writes makes me happy.

ROWAN WILLIAMS
I think it's a Duke thing, but we're kind of addicted to British Anglican bishops. I think it's rooted back in John Wesley or something. Weird, I know. But click on his name above to see a much-talked-about letter in reply to a little girl asking if there's a God.


C.S. LEWIS
Himself an atheist and agnostic at times, Lewis became a renowned Christian writer. not a trained theologian, he nonetheless relied upon his philosophical training to write some classics, including Mere Christianity and The Great Divorce (possibly one of my favorite books of all time).

All that said, I don't think there's any one person that can answer all the problems or questions that people have about Christianity, and I was fortunate to have been able to attend seminary to be exposed to a great deal of the writings of the early church fathers--material that most people don't get to dive into. I also hold John Wesley to be a central theologian in my own formation, but his writings can be a bit difficult to access without context and interpretation (the difference in language itself and outside of the context of the arguments he was replying to, his writings can seem stilted). I hope that if you're really interested in these questions, you'll do a lot of reading, but also engage in a lot of discussion as well as interaction with the traditions and statements of the church. It's lots of fun, but also lots of work.